Blog #7

Last September, I got my heartbroken.

My year long escapade of loving someone unconditionally inevitably blew up in my face.

Grief took hold of me for awhile. It’s still holding on.

The first six stages of grief are places I’ve grown to be familiar with a long time ago. A part of me had hoped that I would never fall back down into that dark abyss. But alas, my hands slipped off the rung of the ladder moving upwards and I found myself falling through the bottomless pit of self-loathing and hopelessness.

This place of darkness was comfortable. I felt safe confiding in the darkness I engineered behind the walls I put up around me. I thrived even. I made my bed in this hell, and I’ve grown accustomed to it.

I remember one day on the bus quite awhile ago, I was on my way to church and I was seeking God’s answer. I asked Him if I should continue to have feelings for J (let’s call this person J). I’ve been asking for awhile. But that day, I felt that He told me, “I’m going to give him to you.”

Okay I thought to myself sure. Why not, right?

I believed that things would work out somehow. I studied all the minuscule interactions and looked for even a glimmer of green light. And every glimmer I called a miracle.

Looking back at it, I feel like a fool. Pathetic even.

That night in September, he told me he would never like me back, because that’s just the way he was.

I remember not feeling anything at first. The initial shock left me numb. Too bad that didn’t last very long because after that day, there wasn’t a day where I didn’t ball myself to sleep.

It felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest, stomped on, and shoved back into my chest in a million pieces.

Day by day, through the silent musing, I began to understand the depth of my situation. I began searching the multitudes with me for an answer. The infinities of the possibilities ate at me, though. And an answer was never given to me.

O Holy God, where are you? And what are you doing in this situation?

“Why, O my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my savior and my God.” – Psalm 42:5

May God’s grace be with you.

With Love,

Tobias


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